Jean Dole: Handling the Gentle Art of Confrontation

             

By Jean Dole

           When you have a difficult message to convey to someone, how do you get them to listen to you non-defensively? This article explores methods of delivering so-called “bad news” with maximum effectiveness and minimum offensiveness.

           Consider the following situation at the office: A co-worker consistently deflects, resists or lashes back each time you initiate an open and honest discussion of an issue. You have become frustrated or upset with this person’s attitude and inability to hear your message. You would like to express how it is for you, get to an understanding or agreement, and move on.

           If the other person’s behavior is bothering you, then you own the decision about how to handle it. Your options are to avoid, accommodate, defer to someone else, or confront. Don’t expect the other person to notice you are bothered. If you tend to avoid confrontations, an important question to ask yourself is, “Will the situation change if I do nothing?” If you confront, you may arrive at a win-win solution, a compromise, or no deal.

           Let’s assume you have to work together. If you are holding a negative opinion about the other person, you could just go directly for what you want; for them to hear you, see it your way, and perhaps to change their behavior. Directly confronting the issue by telling them what you think may not get your true message across. Why? Because there are two components; the content of your message, “You missed another deadline,” and your feelings about that message, “... and I’m sick and tired of it.” Being overly assertive can get you a “resolution” at the expense of the relationship.

           Which is more likely to get you on track toward your goal, asking or telling? Telling it like it is may be satisfying for you in the moment, but will it get you the response you want? Asking questions and listening creates “psychological air” for them to hear you. In short, avoid explaining your viewpoint or making requests until after you have discovered theirs.

           Avoid asking “Why” questions. It puts people on the defensive and tends to talk about the past. Instead, use questions that start with “What” or “How.”

           If your goal is to influence the other person’s behavior, the next step is to get them to hear and value how the situation personally affects you. When you have rapport, the classic “I” message is probably your best “tell” alternative. An “I” message uses the template, “I feel [name the feeling] when you [describe the behavior] because [state the consequences or reasons for your feelings].” This method is clear and direct.

           However, there are two ways that even carefully constructed “I” messages can backfire. They often provoke defensiveness or resistance, perching the listener at the edge of what we call the “blame frame.” Or, the person may not be inspired to care about your feelings or about their role in producing your feelings.

           Another “tell” approach is called the “sandwich technique” and will often buy you the joy of being heard. First acknowledge their positive intentions or behavior, then conclude with more positive reinforcement such as, “In the future, I suggest...” Then conclude with more positive reinforcement. This technique not only softens the blow when you have difficult news to deliver, but it also keeps you from blurting out your feelings.

           Lastly, and probably the most effective, is to make a request. Rather than saying “I’m sick and tired of you always arriving late for our meetings!” Try, “I request that you recommit to our agreement about being on time. Does that work for you?” Even if your request is not accepted, at least you will make your point without verbal abuse.