Jean Dole: Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts, pt. 1

By Jean Dole

     Company owner, Mark Burnes, dealt with conflict every day. If it wasn't with vendors and clients, it was with his ex-wife or teen-aged son. Things started to change when Mark began using conflict resolution skills. "I used to add fuel to the fire by getting stuck in my position. Now I take a step back, breathe deep, and listen. The more I do that, the easier it is to solve problems."

     Mark learned that conflicts don't need to be volatile and negative. Conflicts can actually lead to increased understanding and creative thinking. It's how we deal with conflict that determines the outcome.

     In this era of school and workplace shootings, road rage, airport rage, and even supermarket rage, knowing how to resolve conflicts can save a life. Beyond that, conflict resolution skills can improve relationships and deepen understanding.

     Conflict can be a win/win situation if the right approach is taken. 

     A system for resolving conflicts used by families and educators around the country is called The Win/Win Guidelines. Based on methods from diplomacy and counseling, these guidelines were initially developed for use in public schools. The results were so good that teachers, parents, and school administrators began using them in their own lives. Now this system is being used internationally.

Here's how you can use the Win/Win Guidelines for any conflicts that may arise:

Step 1: Cool off.

     Conflicts can't be solved in the face of hot emotions. Take a step back, breathe deep, and gain some emotional distance before trying to talk things out. As success coach Natalie Gahrmann says, "When I take the time to breathe and regain my focus I can create the opportunity to choose my response rather than just react. If I try to skip this step, my words are too emotionally loaded."

     Take a moment to brainstorm ten things that make you feel better when you're hot under the collar. Consider some of the following: breathing deeply while making a calming statement, looking at the sky, clearing your desk or straightening up, splashing cold water on the face, writing in a journal, or taking a quick walk and then coming back to talk about the problem. Some people need physical release, while others need something quiet and cerebral. Determine what works for you, and then use it next time you get angry. Then you'll be ready to go on to the next step.

Step 2: Tell what's bothering you using "I messages."

     "I messages" are a tool for expressing how we feel without attacking or blaming. By starting from "I" we take responsibility for the way we perceive the problem. This is in sharp contrast to "you messages" which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, "You've left the kitchen a mess again! Can't you ever clean up after yourself?" will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an "I" message comes across: "I'm annoyed because I thought we agreed you'd clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?"

     When making "I" statements it's important to avoid put-downs, guilt-trips, sarcasm, or negative body language. We need to come from a place inside that's non-combative and willing to compromise. A key credo in conflict resolution is, "It's us against the problem, not us against each other." "I messages" enable us to convey this.

Step 3: Each person restates what they heard the other person say.

     Reflective listening demonstrates that we care enough to hear the other person out, rather than just focusing on our own point of view. It actually fosters empathy. Mark Burnes describes how he used reflective listening the time he walked into the middle of a shouting match between his ex-wife and teen-aged son.

     "No sooner had I walked in the door to pick up Randy than he and his mother erupted into battle. In the past I might have shouted for them to stop, only to have been drawn into the fray. Instead I took a deep breath, gathered my thoughts, and chose my words carefully. I calmly asked them each if they could tell me what had happened. Then I reflected back what they said. My willingness to listen helped them listen, too. They were actually able to come to a compromise, something I'd never before thought possible."