Jean Dole: Children Have Reasons for Acting How They Do

By Jean Dole

We all were raised to think that we were sometimes being “good” and sometimes being “bad” and our parents, teachers and other authority figures knew what was “right.” If we did not do as they said, then they would say we were “bad” or “wrong.”

The problem with this approach is that it is trying to change behavior without finding the cause of the behavior. Nobody likes to be bossed around, not even little kids. They have needs and feelings just as adults do; their needs have to be considered if we want a happy, cooperative child.

Many people, however, do not know what else to do. Obviously, we do not allow kids do whatever they want; which is what people tend to feel is the alternative to “controlling” them. As parents, we do know more, we must use that knowledge to protect and teach children. Many would say we have to teach them “right” from “wrong.” But what do we mean by this? Do we want them to be unthinkingly obedient and ignore their own needs and feelings? Or would we like to find mutually satisfactory solutions, which gain the child's willing cooperation and sincere sense of responsibility?

When we listen to the child with empathy rather than blame, or explain our concerns and reasons for wanting certain behavior, we ask the child to help us find win-win solutions that satisfy both the child and parent or teacher. We are being democratic and authoritative, rather than dictatorial or permissive.

Win-win problem solving leads to mutual control and sincere, lasting change. When we use unilateral control methods, we may blame children for things that are not their fault and may be beyond their control. We may be building resentment and hostility in them and a desire to rebel against authorities. We may be damaging their self-esteem and teaching them not to be assertive about their needs and feelings which may cause communication difficulties for them for the rest of their lives.

When children become sullen or rebellious at school, this is a sign they have learned from traditional controlling upbringing that they are not likely to be respected if they express their negative feelings, so they act out those feelings instead. Teachers and parents start to worry about these children and want to send them to a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. Surprisingly few teachers or parents think to ask the child what he or she is thinking and feeling.

My experience in working with such problem kids has shown that allowing a little honesty can go a long way toward changing attitudes about school. When you understand that they feel hurt when the teacher yells at them or angry when the teacher puts them down with negative and disparaging labels, and you agree that the teachers ideally should welcome their opinions, I find nearly all problem kids brighten up and lose their sullenness.

This does not teach them to be disrespectful, quite the contrary, they begin to feel respected and they respond with respect in return. When we can problem solve with them about how we can make the teacher aware of their needs and feelings without making the teacher defensive; when we explain the teacher’s needs and reasons for the rules, there is usually an immediate interest shown. The vast majority of the time, this approach brings significant improvement.