Jean Dole: Keeping a Happy, Healthy Marriage Requires Work

By Jean Dole

Few couples these days include “love, honor and obey” in their wedding vows. And unfortunately, many do not have experience in the “win-win” negotiating skills needed to replace this approach. When women did not work much outside the home, the man had the financial power and many women, whether they liked it or not, accepted a relatively submissive position. Also, in traditional parenting, parents defined what was “right” or “good” and the child who disagrees and does not obey is called “bad” and deserves punishment. Unfortunately, people carry these win-lose obedience models into the modern marriage and the result is that half of modern marriages break up.

In the beginning of a relationship when love is new, we see each other through a rosy glow. We concentrate on all the things we love about each other and overlook the things we disagree about. We are infatuated; we are in love. Then reality sets in. As the feelings of infatuation fizzle, we begin to see that we have real differences with this person. There are true conflicts between us.

For a while, we ignore these conflicts, but eventually, they need to be addressed. We have a small squabble; we kiss and make up. Then the next fight starts but since we love each other, we do not want to fight; we give in or walk away from the fight. Since we do not want to spend our time fighting, we avoid discussing the conflict any further and try to ignore the resentment developing. But the differences now seem greater. Whenever we do argue, we only seem to end up further apart. Soon unexpressed resentments begin to pile up and develop into silent walls that separate us.

From our childhood upbringing, we have come to feel that anger and conflict are “bad,” so we try to pretend that we are not in conflict.

This is a common scenario I see over and over again in my marriage counseling. When conflicts are smoothed over and avoided, a couple grows more distant. Avoiding conflict is not the method to keep a marriage strong. An essential part of a good marriage is developing a positive attitude toward conflict, seeing it as an opportunity to resolve the conflict in a win-win manner that considers the needs, feelings, and concerns of each partner. Every time a couple resolves a conflict with a mutually satisfactory solution, the couple feels a little bit closer and more loving. Every time they merely avoid the conflict or fight about it in a win-lose way, they grow more distant.

Finding mutually satisfactory solutions requires recognizing that you do not “win” when you impose your solution on the other person. You may appear to “win,” but the resentment of the loser will eventually catch up with you and will spoil the quality of the relationship, then you both “lose” in the long run. This seems obvious to people once it is pointed out to them, but remarkably few couples seem to realize this as they attempt to fight about or avoid the conflict.

Solving a conflict using the win-win method requires avoiding the “roadblocks to communication.” These include telling the other person what to do; putting the other down by judging, shaming, patronizing or name-calling; and avoiding discussion of the conflict. These “roadblocks” make people feel adversarial rather than cooperative; they make our differences seem greater as we fight to defend ourselves against being called “bad,” stupid, not worth talking to, or morally “wrong.”