Jean Dole: Conflict Resolution Leads to Win-Win Solutions with Children

By Jean Dole

When we ask children to obey, we’re asking them to pretend. This is a little understood fact of life. Most people believe the way to get children to change is to require them to obey. Yes, most people believe this, including a large percentage of psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health workers and teachers. But is this commonly accepted idea correct? Let us think about the logic of this approach. What happens when what the child wants is different from the parent; what happens when the child does not want to obey? What happens to the child’s honest feelings? Do they disappear, cease to exist?

To feel safe, the child must pretend they agree so they do not get punished or shamed for being “bad.” They are completely dependent on these big adults who take care of them. They would not dare to express their honest disagreement, how could they know whether they are “good” or “bad?”

As a psychotherapist, I see the incredible pain this approach to child rearing causes in people. The lifelong feelings of inferiority they struggle with, the feeling of not having the right to express their emotions, but instead they must pretend they are in agreement so they will not be called “bad” and be punished if they express themselves honestly.

However, the anger and hostility that did not get expressed directly had a different way of coming out. The children did as they were told — for that moment — but behind their parents’ backs, they rebelled. They fought with their brothers and sisters, or they developed an “attitude” at school and got detentions and suspensions.

These habits and ways of thinking about problems can plague people for the rest of their lives. They feel unable to express themselves honestly so they do it indirectly. They don’t want to be called “bad” and punished for that, so they call the other “bad” instead. They shut their ears to the other’s point of view because they feel someone has to be the “bad” one and it better not be them. This thinking starts the adversarial feelings which cause us to feel we must fight, rather than resolve a disagreement.

But if we settle problems with our children in a win-win, problem-solving manner, then children come to see a conflict as an opportunity to resolve a problem, rather than a cause for fighting. This approach could result in much less pain and destructiveness in the world!

We can start with ourselves by developing a win-win approach to conflicts. This can be the number one most important way we can contribute to our own happiness and success in the world, and to the happiness and success of those who are near and dear to us.

The U.S. Department of Education reported that when children learn conflict resolution in their schools, these children get along better with their mates, their families, and their coworkers for the rest of their lives (Conflict Resolution Quarterly Fall, Winter Quarter 2004).

What are the skills for conflict resolution? The most commonly known skill is the “I-statement” which expresses feelings, not judgments. For example, if someone steps on your toes and you say, “Ouch you are stepping on my toes!” The other responds, “Oh, I’m sorry.” But if you respond by saying, “Get off my foot you clumsy oaf!” The other says, “I’m not a clumsy oaf and what was your foot doing out there where I could step on it, anyhow?”

Conflict management courses all teach the “I-statement” as a non-aggressive way to express disagreement. However, the goal is not simply conflict management, but rather conflict resolution. There are two more skills that are essential to resolving conflict: 1) Active Listening to understand the other person’s needs, showing deep acceptance of their hard to express feelings, and 2) the “magic” that makes conflict resolution work such as asking the other to help you find a win-win solution, a solution that satisfies everyone.