Jean Dole: Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts, Pt. 2

By Jean Dole

     Last month we listed the first three steps in conflict resolution. These included cooling off, telling what is bothering you and restating what the other person has to say. The final three steps are listed below.

Step 4: Take responsibility. In the majority of conflicts, both parties have some degree of responsibility. However, most of us tend to blame rather than look at our own role in the problem. When we take responsibility we shift the conflict into an entirely different gear, one where resolution is possible.

     Fifty-two year old Nancy Martin talked about how taking responsibility averted a major falling-out with her husband. “We were getting ready to go to a family gathering, and as usual, I was running late. When my husband Bill spotted me puttering around in the living room, he completely lost it. At the sound of his angry voice, I responded defensively, and then we were on our way to an ugly confrontation. But this time, instead of going into my defensive posture, I walked away for a few minutes, took some deep breaths, and got my bearings. When I walked back into the room, I was able to hear him out. Bill told me that he was so frustrated at having to wait for me whenever we went out. He also spoke about punctuality as something he highly valued. As I listened to his words a funny thing happened: I realized he was right. I did need to get a handle on my habitual lateness. It was then that I apologized. My husband ended up giving me a hug and thanking me. What might have become a full-blown fight actually turned into a moment of drawing closer.”

Step 5: Brainstorm solutions and come up with one that satisfies both people. Resolving conflict is a creative act. There are many solutions to a single problem. The key is a willingness to seek compromises.

     Kindergarten teacher, Connie Long, describes how her students started having fewer conflicts when they learned how to brainstorm solutions. “My kids were constantly getting into arguments over crayons, erasers, toys, you name it. After introducing peacemaking, my students started finding ways to solve the problem instead of just getting stuck in their own positions. For example, when Ronnie and Jamie both grabbed the yellow truck, I took them aside and asked if they could come up with five ways to solve the problem. They thought about it and then suggested taking turns, sharing, getting another truck from the toy chest, doing a different activity, and building a truck together out of Legos. This is the kind of thinking I’m seeing more and more. Brainstorming has opened my children’s minds to new possibilities.”

Step 6: Affirm, forgive, or thank. A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure.  Saying “thank you” at the end of a conflict, or acknowledging the person for working things out sends a message of conciliation and gratitude. We preserve our relationships this way, strengthening our connections and working through problems that arise.

     

 Conflict resolution has applications in every walk of life. Think of your own life. With whom are you in conflict? Imagine applying this system to work things out. Think of the impact on all of our relationships. Peace starts with each of us and sometimes we need to take the first step. As Gandhi once said, “We must be the change we wish to see in others.”